Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Better Roni's Guide to Eight Great Dates

Alright so I'm lying here trying to get to sleep and failing, and it occurs to me that there has been a lot of chit chatter about dating lately.  Maybe its 'cause V-Day is around the bend, or maybe its because its finally not 5 degrees out anymore.  Either way, I've developed a guide to dating / list of good dates that is based on level of difficulty.  I hope it helps you this week while you plan for Saturday.  

Also I have assigned each date a Trailblazer to help some readers understand the scale (though please note the scale doesn't directly correspond to skill level.  You should try harder).

Date #1 aka the Martell Webster:  You don't even have to get off the bench for this one.  Go to Ruben's empanadas for some super tastiness and then walk around the East Village and make sure you actually like this person.  Winning either way!  ("Its fast, its easy, and the gold kit is free!")

Date #2 aka the Steve Blake Low Three: Get liquored up at a bar and if things go well, make out.  If not, fake a text message or phone call from some friends that you "promised" you would meet up with at an exclusive gathering somewhere exclusive.  Either way, you look prettay good.

Date #3 aka the Greg Oden: Similar to #2 but this time you have to go out with other friends and you have to go somewhere specifically to play pool.  Pool halls are sexy in a really dirty gross way, and even if you suck you will have to team up with your date and try really hard to keep your table, and then if you don't keep your table you still get to hang out in the sexy pool hall and lurk and wait for someone else to suck more so you can play again.  

Date #4 aka the Jerryd Bayless:  This one incorporates #2 as well but this time you're going to DANCE.  Because dancing is sexy and lead to dates with a higher level of difficulty but it is also very fun and you can do it with lots of people and you don't have to talk that much (and if you're wondering why Jerryd Bayless, watch this video of him KILLING the stanky leg).

Date #5 aka the Rudy Fernandez: Okay so by now you like this person at least a little bit.  Invest in Guess Who the boardgame, and stay in with some cheap ass wine.  BUT!  Instead of playing old-school boring Guess Who, start asking the questions that really count (this is what makes it difficult).  Here are some examples:
"Is your person a shepherd?"
"Has your person ever paid for sex?"
"Does your person have a gambling problem?"  
These kinds of questions make the game much more interesting and usually HILARIOUS and if you like this person then this will be really bonus date.  Trust me.

Date #6 aka the Joel Przybilla:  Now you have done activities and you DEFINITELY like this person.  So take them to a party with all your friends and make them like your friends and make your friends like them.  This will be good for everyone and it will make you like that person more.

Date #7 aka the Lamarcus Aldridge: After you have had your first romantic sleepover, instead of going to brunch, go on a sneaker walk (this is when you walk around and shop for sneakers).  This will make you both seem very sexy to the other person and even if you don't buy anything you can love on each other and how sexy you are together.  NYC people, you will want to go to:  Classic Kicks, Recon, Dave's Quality Meat, Memes, Clientele and ALife in order to get the most out of your walk and the most selection.

Date #8 aka the Brandon Roy: Watch porn have sex.  This is the Brandon Roy of dates because it takes a little finesse to go just right but if you keep your wits about you and stay confident this one is nothing but net.

Now hop to it.

No comments:

Post a Comment